Tuesday, October 22, 2013

"You did good."

"You did good."

3 little words I received today from a complete stranger.

So I decided to take a short trip over to Cougar Country today! Sounds thrilling, huh? Well it is. It’s the home of the Cranford Cougar football team, track stars, soccer team, field hockey team, lacrosse players, baseball stars and I’m sure other athletics that my brain can’t think of right now. I went on this journey today to simply change it up; my daily routine and for no other reason. So I pulled up, parked my car (next time I will ride my bike…not sure why I didn’t do that to begin with), plugged my ears with some good old trash music and off I went on my journey. My feet hit the track and before I knew it, I became one of them. Today I was an athlete. I ran the track with all intentions of counting the laps and then I would move on to steps. But that’s not how the rest of my time in Cougar Country played out. Almost immediately an older gentleman and I caught each others eyes and we at first just smiled at each other. Already I was feeling safe, good and happy. What a smile can do. So of course, before I knew it, I completely lost track of lap counts and was simply enjoying my freedom. I’m not really a tracker by nature. I do things for the pure enjoyment and experience. It was a beautiful, crisp morning and right about at this point I was so grateful that I came. So around lap #3, Mr. older Gentelman….let’s call him Grandpa said, “A beautiful Day!” I pumped my fist in the air cheering him on too and agreed saying, “Yes, it is!” Next lap, Grandpa (and I say this with the utmost respect and with a tear in my eye because I didn’t grow up with a grandfather. My Dad’s father passed away before I was born and my Mom’s father passed when I was 3yrs old.) says, (this time I take my ear bud out),

“You did good.”

I nearly cried. My life flashed before me as if he were my grandpas from heaven above looking down on me saying, “You did good.”  As if I ran the fastest race in my life, as if I won the state championship, as if I won The Heisman! But instead I just won. Nothing. No trophy. Nothing to take home. No speeches to make. But I won. Today I was the champion of Cougar Country. I was honored the “You did good” award. And for that I thank you, Grandpee and Dziadzia.

So change it up, go for a walk down the road less traveled, drive a different route, take a new job, run, walk, practice yoga, climb a tree, go to a different grocery store. I don’t care, but truly enjoy the moment. Enjoy the beautiful human beings around us. You just never know what you will be awarded. But let me know when you win that grand prize because I want to be the first to hear your acceptance speech.

Sunday, February 10, 2013

Want to Play Pretend?

If you told a little girl to pretend, what might she pretend to be? A ballerina, a movie star, a fish or mermaid in the ocean, a queen for a day? And I have no doubt she would pretend to be a princess. I know I would.

I find myself sitting on the bus in India from Delhi to Agra catching up on some documentaries to prep me for this upcoming trip. To “prepare” me for what I am about to witness in real life, not on TV, 60 minutes or dateline.

So I close my eyes and pretend. Only I don’t pretend to be a rock star or even a princess. I pretend to be a prostitute. I pretend to be 8, only I’m not dancing in my ballet class. It’s someone else who is dancing on me….in me. I pretend to be bought and sold. I pretend to be beaten, kicked, stabbed and bruised only to be thrown back into the fire to be fucked again and again and again and again. Because that is what this is, fucking. Fucking me over and over and over again.

I pretend to be called a worthless whore, useless and good for only one thing…the hole between my legs.

I pretend to not know how to read and write. I pretend to be born into a cast system where I am at the bottom of the well with no rope, no bucket to help me out…never mind to the top. I pretend to go to the police only to look into the eyes of the monster who was on top of me, inside of me yesterday. I pretend to have HIV. I pretend to be dirty, hungry, poor and sick. I pretend to be high, drunk or disoriented because someone drugged me, forced me to drink something or punched me too hard. I pretend to be an alcoholic or an addict because I simply can’t bear the pain.

Have I said enough or do I need to say more to describe my dark, sick imagination? I pretend to be all these things because I cant seem to find any other way to put myself in the shoes of a sex slave. I acknowledge the feeling in my stomach, the knot in my throat, the clench in my jar. The hole, not between my legs but in my heart. The coldness in my eyes. The nothingness in my soul. Because that is what I am. Empty. Worthless. Well, not according to my pimp or madam. But to me, I’m worthless.

I sit here on this bus still with my eyes closed in my pretend world because this is the only way I can teach myself non-judgment and empathy right now. But in my pretend world, I pray.

In prayer I ask. No, I beg God to please please explain his plan for me. I ask him if this is what is intended for me, what he wants for me or has the devil won this time? Dare I ask WHY when I am supposed to trust in the Lord? If one believes that God is in all of us, am I a sacrifice to save others? Am I the darkness so there can be light? Dear God, show me the way, the light at the end of the tunnel, the truth because I can’t bear the pain a second longer.

I open my eyes.

Your turn.

Want to play pretend?